blog

random long-form thoughts that i need to get out of my head, good and bad. i'm a yapper not a writer, please understand

she broke up with me

i'm so lost

i finally got some time with her yesterday. only one night of the four she told me i'd have earlier. decided to stay at the new girl's place each time without telling me, of course. exactly as i imagined it. only got that night because i reached out and asked her to promise she'd come home that night out of desperation, i reckon. i spoke with her a bit. i was far too depressed to tell her everything i felt. i just didn't have it in me to get angry. told her to please just talk to me more. please tell me if plans change. please at least try to give me a day or two every now and then. i don't think it's much to ask. told her to go speak with her other girlfriend. told her not responding to her messages for over a week was unacceptable. i struggled to really stand up for myself but i couldn't really let that slide, i saw how bad she was hurting. i don't know what's happening there now, it's between them. she told me she realised she was coming up against her limit in relationships. she had obviously come against her limit with the 3rd, given how much she ignored us all with the crush before this new girl. we told her as much. she clearly didn't listen. in my sadness, i brought up that if she's struggling with relationships she might need to end some. i was so deep in self-hatred i told her i would understand if i had to go because of the distance. she didn't deny the possibility at all. i tried to keep my brave face after that. i brought it up, after all. but i think i might break. she said she didn't know what to do, because "this relationship is so complicated". verbatim. it's not complicated at all. all i want is for her to want to and remember to speak to me every few days, to see if i'm okay. to spend a night with me maybe once a week. that's about as low maintenance as it gets. she promised she cares about me. it just felt empty. the fact that leaving me is on the table but not slowing down with this girl she's known for just a few weeks isn't hurts. i guess our emotional connection was never as deep as i thought. i'm really beginning to think she may have never loved me, seeing how different we're treated.

as i was writing this, something funny happened. i needed to send some stuff for work, so i opened the photos app. a few weeks ago, just a few days before she went to see this new girl for the first time in fact, she added me to her google photos, so everything on her phone would sync to me. she did this specifically to share all the photos we took together. i told her it was sending everything on her phone, including other stuff, and she said it was fine. she clearly forgot about that. for the past few weeks i've had to watch as my photos app gets flooded with more photos of this new girl than she's ever taken with me, which is bad enough, but the past few days she's been handing the phone to this girl for her to take selfies on for some reason. today she took naked selfies. i really didn't need to see that. i'm going to have to ask her to remove me. it's been three weeks. this was supposed to be for sharing OUR photos. because we were so close. this hurts. this really fucking hurts. i'm losing fucking everything to this girl. i bet i won't even get the time she promised for me tomorrow either. it's been a long time since i've felt so terrible i wanted to hurt myself this much again. even during the horrible shit last year, i had her to support me. i thought i was going to start being happier this year. i wish i could stop thinking. that would be nice.

yeah i ain't getting any better

it's uniquely painful to see your girlfriend take things she spoke to you about, things you planned to do together, and then do them with someone else instead. and then brag to everyone that she did it. again and again. it's especially funny because a while back, she said one of the reasons she couldn't stand to come visit me is because seeing me interact with my wife made her think about "the ways that [i] share affection the same way with the both of [them] makes [her] feel sick". i was already trying, but i've doubled down on trying to treat my relationships with them both differently to avoid that feeling for both of them. wasted effort, i guess. she still won't visit me and she has no problem doing it. i guess i was stupid for ever feeling special. she'll take things we were supposed to have and give them to whoever currently makes her heart flutter.

it also sucks to be so obviously struggling that she'll even send me a token message: "i'm sorry i haven't been there for you, even if we don't talk i think about you" only to immediately go offline to have fun with her new girl and ignore me once again like she has been for weeks. it hurts to try and converse with her only to not get a response from anywhere from 10 minutes to 24 hours, all the while she'll happily gush about her in the discord server we share, never mind how she openly acknowledges how unhealthy she's being but it feels good in the moment so who cares. i know when she's alone she'll break down and won't be able to stop thinking about her. i know despite how she promised she'll find time for me and let me know as soon as she gets some, she won't say a god damn thing to me, and i'll have to reach out in desperation, only for her to agree but not pay attention to me again because yearnposting about someone who just wants to be friends to everyone is too important.

when anyone's struggling, i reach out. i try to spend time with them. especially those i love. it stings so much that the same is not done for me because "irl is more important". does she not realise what she's saying? she acknowledges my feelings but hers supercede mine. i'm lonely but she has the opportunity to fuck someone new so i'll just have to wait. for weeks and months at a time. even her other girlfriend is talking to me more than she is, and that's really my only solace. her girlfriend feels exactly the same that i do and is just as ignored. i feel sick. i feel left behind. i'm stuck between being so desperate for attention from her and hating having to say anything to her knowing she doesn't give a shit, she won't give me the time of day and is just going to keep talking about the new girl right in front of me. she thinks about me, she says, but not long enough to see how much she's hurting me.

i guess i'm codependent. i need to work that out. she's obviously treating me like shit but the fact i'm so broken without her means there's something wrong with me. i've been spending as much time as possible with my friends, trying to drag my wife out, trying to pick up things to do for myself when i can't, and... it doesn't help. i just end up tiring myself out. i want to lay down and die, but i know i can't. at least by putting my anger here i'm not pushing it on anyone in the moment. there's that.

i hate being right man

got confirmation a few days ago that she'd made plans to fill out the next two months almost entirely without me, and i expect the state of things won't change after that based on how much fun she's having. wahoo. i can only hope when i see her in december she still loves me enough to keep me around even this much and not leave me entirely for someone else. which is funny, by the way. warned her about the fact she's fucking and getting so close and pouring so much emotion into someone she literally just met is weird and really unhealthy, everyone around her warned her that she was unstable and obsessive too, but she still went along with it and hasn't shut up about her for the past few weeks. when she told her that she didn't know what she wanted between them she got complicated feelings herself, and now that there's suddenly a bit of distance between them because she has other relationships to manage and she's unstable and needs to work some stuff out it's the end of the world, everything's falling apart, because she poured her everything into this girl even when everyone told her not to. nobody ever listens to me when i can see this shit coming from a mile away, man. i wish she'd put the fucking brakes on things instead of always rushing in everywhere and crying when it's not perfect. it'd be nice if she'd respond to my messages instead of continuing to cry about this girl in other places i can see too. i wonder if she avoids me on purpose when she has these emotional lows to try and avoid making my jealousy worse (which isn't working because i'm in the same places as her and can see her stupid tweets as well) or because she knows i'm going to tell her she needs to step back and she knows i'm right but she's the yearner she's the lover she can't control her emotions i can't blame her for this.

i'm honestly so sick of this lesbian yearner culture bullshit. it's just an excuse not to learn how to manage your emotions and your bad decisions in relationships and to be as annoying as possible about it all online with "yearning posts" for other #yearners and to not seek help for mental issues. it's incel shit rebranded. it might seem rich coming from me if you're reading this, and i've been part of it, but back when i went to therapy i was told a blog was a good way to go about dealing with my emotions, and i picked biking back up these past few days and have been forcing myself to spend time with my other friends, and i've been doing better. i'm practicing what i'm preaching here. i'm putting this off until next year which is a red flag for things getting done but i do have stuff over the next few months which would get in the way so it's an honest reason, but i'm hoping to try learning to drive. i don't feel safe or comfortable walking in the US, not to mention how ridiculously far away everything is, so i don't have anywhere to go right now. my city kinda sucks for things to do anyway, and my wife almost never wants to go out, so i've been trapped in this apartment for years now. if i can take the car myself, though, things should be better. getting back that little bit of control for myself will be good. i might pick photography back up as an excuse to go places, and failing that, i can at least go to the arcade a few cities over. i'm sure i can make a friend or two there, and that should improve my life a bunch. i'm trying!

mahou shoujo ni akogarete

an extremely surprising show. i don't watch anime as much as i used to, i must be at an age where i start to look to the past more than the present already as most of what i do watch is either stuff i have already seen, or stuff from around that time, but this show managed to find its way into my attention via twitter and a friend of mine. all i had going in was the very basic premise, a girl accidentally joins the side of evil in a magical girl anime but discovers a joy in messing with the heroes. i love a good story from the villains' perspective and i love magical girls, so this was enough to convince me. i expected a clumsy parody, maybe a couple jokes in bad faith but some okay slop to numb my brain while i had nothing else to do.

what i did NOT expect, was simultaneously a show so as in love with magical girls as its protagonist to the point of earnestly standing as a modern contemporary in many ways, AND the hottest yuri ecchi i've ever seen? i'm gushing over gushing over magical girls. i'm not really a reviewer but i just had to get this out somewhere, this show is a 10/10 for me. i'm not saying it's literally perfect of course, but that i enjoyed it about as much as i could a show. each and every character is just so loveable, the magical girl story is adorable with all my favourite tropes tweaked enough to seemlessly fit its sexy side, and just, such an amazing exploration of s&m kinks and practices, girls who are each into their own things and how these things are discovered and how they change how they interact with the world around them (including how they fight!). i kind of need you to understand that i largely hate ecchi anime, i don't really have a problem with it, it's just that the way they so often bend over backwards to justify sex stuff never feels real or hot, and the constant feeling like it's trying to pander to the viewer while not having the confidence to actually commit to many of its ideas drives me insane. what i love so much about this show is that while, as an ecchi anime, obviously its sex stuff is in service of the viewer, it doesn't really feel that way. as silly as the idea of the villain helping the magical girls discover kinks is, it feels like a real interaction between these characters, how they bounce off each other and develop their feelings. it's especially helped by the fact that there's genuine love between the characters that develops, there are real lesbian relationships here, and it all interweaves with the battles between them all as metaphors for love and desire.

of course, it's a show about high schoolers (and one younger) and has sex every episode, and to begin with at least there is dubious/no consent so if that weirds you out you should probably avoid it, but like. i think it's worth it for its depiction of queer sex in general, and i know what you watch anyway. it's anime, don't act like you haven't seen or enjoyed some lewdness at SOME point before. i'm very much of the opinion that all in fantasy is fair game as long as you know what you're getting into and nobody genuinely gets hurt. it's also part of the idea of the series itself, there's age play! it's porn but it's more intelligent and cute than you think, i promise. anyway show good sorry for my terrible writing

loneliness & jealousy

and the real reason i'm writing here is made immediately clear lol. it's something i've been struggling with recently. i moved from europe to the US to be with someone i love, and as really the only option i had left for survival as a broke, abandoned by the job market trans girl with rapdily declining mental health in covid hell. i had my other relationship of the time unfortunately ended as a result even if i came here to be closer to her too. at the time i had plenty of american friends too and looked forward to meeting them, but by the time i was actually able to settle, basically everyone had disappeared from my life, save for a few so far on the other side of the continent being here didn't even make it materially easier to see them. i soon found out that my partner likes to live a rather sedentary lifestyle as well, and ended up sitting inside not doing much for a few years.

after a while, and a little bit of what i thought was healing, i decided to put myself back out there and find a second girlfriend. what followed was an incredibly messy and traumatising year or two, but i came out the other side with someone i could love and trust. of course, she's european, forcing me to make constant trips back and forth to be with my partners, which is just great, but even more frustrating than you may know. being a resident of the US requires a certain amount of upkeep, largely dictating that you spend the majority of each year within the US. in law it's 6 months plus one day, but they add the funny little asterisk that any border agent can deny me entry at any point if they believe i am not making an effort to truly live in the US. what this means is spending half the year abroad, and especially if it's obviously in a relationship with someone other than my spouse, they get to ruin my life. so this makes my relationship unbalanced, as i have to tiptoe around these lines to be with her, and she won't come to me often as she dislikes the US and my other partner.

naturally, with this unbalance, she has sought other relationships as well, and i encouraged her. she found herself in a local circle of girls and managed to find two new girls she loves and i'm happy for her. however, either due to hormones or discovering new things about herself or some kind of mental relief since the past few years, she's developed some obsessive traits and has crushed on some new girls after those two to the point of not being able to function. we've been trying to work it out, but she will still be unable to focus on me in any time we spend together as she thinks about these other girls and even openly speaks about these feelings where i can see them. she will still basically completely forget i exist for multiple days at a time as she spends time with them, not telling me when she'll be home and missing plans we had already set to spend together because "irl comes first" and she forgot to even tell me plans changed. not to mention how much she talks about how much she loves all of these girls after me, how she can't stop thinking about them, how she's addicted to their smell or whatever, and how i see she never speaks or posts about me in this way. i know i can't expect the excitement of new relationships to compare to one she's been in a while now, and i know i'm far away, but it still kind of hurts. she's been telling me she plans to even move in with one of them soon, which i can't blame them for as it seems to be the best option for all involved, but despite her promises, having seen how she acts when other people are around... i think the future where she has no time for me at all is fast approaching. i'll be a stepping stone, someone to hold onto until she could get her local social life backin order.

so now here i am, my girlfriend is spending less and less time with me and i have to watch her obsess over others, my wife rarely wants to go outside and do things because she wants to game and stream, i have no friends i can reasonably visit anywhere close to me and no local facilities to even meet people like me, the few online friends i still have have their own lives and are all timezones away from me, and none really actively reach out to me anyway, i don't feel mentally well enough to seek out new friends or partners, i don't have the money or legal leeway to travel freely or uproot my life again to move back somewhere i actually enjoy living and stand a chance of local socialisation or more equal relationships, i don't have the mental fortitude to change any of this, and... i'm lonely. i look around me and i'm jealous. and it's lead to me acting out and saying some terrible things to people that don't really deserve it, especially my girlfriend. even in this very post i've said some things i maybe shouldn't have, but i feel like censoring my feelings too much defeats the point of me even doing this, so it'll have to stay there. and i'm so lonely i've taken to writing a blog post in 2024 instead of speaking with a friend, or telling my girlfriend, who this very moment is out there having fun with her new girl, and i know my feelings are just selfish and speaking them will only really hurt her. but i guess she'll read this at some point anyway. oops. sorry. i've just been left behind so many times in my life, and i'm really only alive at all because of the kindness of others, so feeling all these things slowly slip away again scares me.

i made blog?

yeah. twitter is and always has been insufficient for these kinds of things and "threads" go against the very core of the site, and while cohost is capable of long-form writing, as the method of engaging with the site is a timeline that borrows culturally from both twitter and tumblr, short-medium form is really what it's about, and i still haven't really figured out how i fit into it as someone who isn't particularly good at "posting" and certainly doesn't make things worthy of a social media timeline outside of youtube. as sites to engage with people, i figure the mind blasts i intend for this place are best kept slightly out of the way, not to ruin peoples' days when it gets negative and clog up their feed if i decide to infodump. likewise, this is a place i can do these things without directly screaming at those close to me who frankly deal with enough of my emotions on the day to day. of course, they're still the target audience. i hope you're reading, friends. i hope i get some messages soon like "i read your blog post, it sounds cool, i'll check it out!" or "i read your blog post, i didn't know you felt that way. do you wanna talk about it?" et cetera. but it's just as well if this is just my screaming void, i suppose. less embarrassing than a twitter profile full of sadposts, i think